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Football - 7 a side tournament

7 a side football tournament at Arsenal football ground to raise awerness of the the charity Dads House -  click/see below to read the match report.

Alright boys, settle down. Gaffers here.

Having spent the day scouring The Daily Record in vain for information on Scotland's finest footballing moment. It has been left to me to comment on our glorious failure.

Below are my marks out of ten:

Pat Teeling - Made some stellar Bonneresque saves throughout the day, and with the exception of the ricket in the deciding game, when The Gaffer nearly had a heart attack, was instrumental to our progress. In all seriousness, Pat, for taking one or the team. Respect. I'm sure I speak for all the boys, have a quick recovery. 
8 out of 10. 
Emby know another keeper?

Claudio "On The Take" Dilandro -  Like a deep fried pizza, the perfect Scottish/Italian combination. In this case a combination of Scottish skill and Italian thuggery. A credit to the long line of hatchet men, I mean defenders, from his motherland, as he patrolled the LHS of defence like an ageing slightly flattened Maldini. (I know it's the wrong team, but all the best defenders played for AC). Forza Gallus!
7 out of 10.

Scott "Twa Pies And A Bridie An Aw" Dougan  - He may have looked like he had just swallowed Morton's Andy Ritchie whole, but lived up to the old saying that there is nothing like experience. So confident indeed was "Twa Pies" that he tried to make it easier for the opposition by insisting on playing with his own body weight in sweat added to his shirt. Some shift from the wee big man. The Donadoni to Billy's Baresi. Sorry Claudio.
7 out of 10.

Billy "In Ma Poackit" Bratton - The embodiement of the side - Slow. Balding. Past it. Imperious. Magnificent. When faced with the prospect of having a stitch put in his bloody eye lid, he scoffed " Gies another Mars Bar and I'll be fine. Outstanding.
9 out of 10.

Neil "Never off" Sydee
Surely no one connected with Everton football club has distinguished themselves more at the Emirates. Gravlier than Graveson. Stubbier than Stubbs the combative defensive midfielder never put a foot, knee or toe wrong when called upon to do so. Thought he missed a trick, when didn't ask for a tenner off each opposition player.
7 out of 10

John "Sniffer" Sharkey - Having taken a wayward elbow on the nose in the first game (Lets be honest, how could the guy miss), the big man took it on the chin (eh?) and carried on in his usual non plussed manner. Silkier and smoother than Bonjours barnet the classy midfielder strolled through the afternoon. Extra training for you son! Looked the part in the kit. I had to do double take as I thought it was Jim McCalliog out there.
7 out of 10.

Derek "I'm aw" Harte - Known for his corinthian spirit and sense of fair play. A graduate from The Peter Grant School of Sportsmanship. Together with statements like "I'm in it for the enjoyment" and "May the best team win". Alongside Sniffer, the engine room of the side. The fittest man in the team. Had the baws to say after 10mins, "I'm knackered gaffer take me aff". And credit where credit's due, he never said "it's ma baw" once. 
7 out of 10

Paul "20 Quid and there yours" Kennedy
Reminiscent of a slim Bobby Murdoch -  with a side step here, a body swerve there, he never spilt a drop on his way back from the bar. Added much needed youthful energy and industry at a vital stage. Could be a player when he gets to our age. However as an old time gaffer I'm still no a fan of the white boots. I mean, can you get white dubbin? You'd have been laughed off the park in my day. As was Alan Ball.
7 out of 10

EJ - 
Second best backside in football, next to Dalglish. No, the Gaffers not that way inclined, but rather a comment of what to do with what you've got. Ie Foul with your arse. Again, provided the energy when required and scored a couple of crucial goals. That's right, you read correctly - Scored a couple of goals. Hard to believe he's related to the mini version at the side of the park, who is a cert for the team in a couple years. Must be the O'Neill gene.
8 out of 10.

Billy "Bambi" McGranaghan - With his Kempesesque main of auburn hair flowing down his sinuey back, highlights glinting in the hazy sunlight. Surely there was no other player on the planet made for this stage.
10 out of 10.
Minus 1, the chip over over the keeper, and bar. Say no more.
Minus 1, the Lazarus type recovery in the semi final. What was that about?
Minus 1, the bambi on ice type efforts to stay on his feet.
Minus 1, THAT singing voice!
Plus 1, having a go at Ray Parlour.
7 out of 10

Sean "Deep Fat" Fryer 
More left footed than Davie Cooper without a right leg, the twinkled toed assasin continued the endless conveyor belt of similar type players to grace Arsenal's pitch. ie Senderos and some other baldy who's played for them. Single handedly revolutionized corner kick taking at this level by kicking it as hard as anything and hoping for the best. Genius. Said he felt that playing in those boots was like playing in his slippers, which may explain the penalty miss. A hobbling endorsement for aci-puncture if ever there was. Try getting it done on your right foot Sean and you might be a player.
8 out of 10

All in all the Gaffer couldn't be more proud of his players if he had sired them himself. A hunner percent for attitude and effort.

On the downside, I thought Martyn Keon did us a disservice, as there was a lot more to our performances than great spirit. From where I was standing there was no shortage of skill and some of our football was a credit to the shirt. Pyoor 100% ultra heavy cotton Kwality! Sad that he had to bring us down to his level.

More importantly, we looked like the only team that was enjoying themselves.

A brilliant day all round. Many thanks to the chairman for arranging it.

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